Long but good…

I have thought and tried to write this several times to figured out what to write but it has been a long day. I never could figure out what to write.  

I often wear myself out in hopes of not thinking as much.  Today was no different.  

Today Adam and I decided to just go with the flow and do what we were led to do.  Adam’s request- just bring together.  This started with us going to breakfast and to Sam’s. While in Sam’s the guys decided that we needed to go to a Braves game.  Adam asked me to go so off we went.   

We parked in the parking deck and we parked on P3- now this won’t mean anything unless you know CHOA parking lots.   P3 is where we parked every single time we parked at the hospital.   Every single time- it helped us know where we parked.   Zach connection.  We had an amazing dinner at the Battery and then went into the stadium.  We watched an amazing Flag Day presentation- we got to see an amazing presentation by the Golden Nights.  It was an amazing experience. I saw military and sent a picture to one of my besties and she knew the name before they even announced.   My friends husband is retired army- I know her because we were pregnant at the same time and we have talked daily since.   Zach connection. Then while watching I found out our seats were right at the HOPE and WILL area.  I almost started crying.   Hope and Will are the drawings of the CHOA children’s hospital.   I’m sure that many don’t know their names but we lived there with Zach so we knew! Zach connection 

The Braves played an amazing game and we came home.  When we got home we had cupcakes to celebrate Zach.  Cupcakes were one of Zach’s favorite things.  He never could eat them but he loved loved loved making them on his iPad and having us “eat them”.  After which Adam opened a few packages on which we found Remembering Zachary donations- markers and colored pencils.   I know he would have loved using every one of them.  I knew it was another Zach connection. 

We had to learn to love moment by moment when Zach was alive. We had to plan for everything and expect everything that could happen but be prepare for things to change.  It meant Aden never knew if he would wake up in the same bed that he went to sleep in. It meant we had to explain we would do something but it had to wait because of Zach.  Today we didn’t have to wait- we didn’t stop. We had a great time laughing, celebrating and remembering.   We had a few tears but we also were thankful for those tears.  

Thank you for those that messaged and texted us it means a lot.   Thank you for speaking Zachary’s name.   Thank you for not forgetting.  Thank you for celebrating.

 

More thoughts

 When you have a love one pass away it can be hard because you don’t want to miss out on all of the things that you remember dealing with that loved one.   When that love one is a child it becomes even more hard… you never want to forget your love one so when the death date or birthday of your love one comes around you want to do something to remind you of them.  But what if they were a young child, what if they didn’t really eat, what if they really didn’t have a favorite place.   What do you do then? What do you do when you don’t have the piles of memories? 

For me- it can be hard we try to come up with things that will remind of Zach.  I do Remembering Zachary to share his love and his Legacy but it’s hard.   The further from his death the harder it is as people tend to count 6/14 as a normal day.   

This week I was asked for the first time “what do I do to honor Zachary?” Well I instantly said to have a cupcake in his honor.  She asked what flavor, because of the friend I was able to say whatever you like.   See Zach couldn’t eat, he didn’t have a favorite meal or a favorite place.   However, he loved cupcakes.  Making them on the iPad and showing people.   Cupcakes made him smile.  We try to go get cupcakes to celebrate him, however with my ceilac that has become harder.  I just pray that my heart is healed just a little by whatever we do.  

Why am I sharing this? Of course it’s because I want to share Remebering Zachary to gain writing utensils to pass out to the teachers of my school.   But it is also to share that if you know someone that has passed and you want to honor them know it’s okay to do what you want to.  The family might have a suggestion but I can tell you just you honoring them is touching to those who have lost someone they love.   Speak the name, tell the family, make sure they know that they are not alone, know that grief comes in waves and it never goes away.  Remind them that they are loved and their love one is remembered.  

Remembering Zachary-

This year we are collecting writing utensils.   Pencils, pens, markers, colored pencils, and crayons those items that are needed by the 3,4,5th grade scholars of my

School.  I am going to attach two wish lists Walmart and Amazon.  You may shop from those.  You may do a pick up order from Walmart or target ( private message for locations). You may send cash, check or gift cards.   You may drop off.   Please let me know if you have any questions.  

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1Q3GST6EB5R5N?ref_=wl_share

https://www.walmart.com/registry/tr/2d8dd412-e52f-4531-a719-fafbf859f231

Thoughts

 Remembering Zachary- it’s always hard to figure out what to say during this time of year.  Back in 2011,  we were busy in our lives knowing things were changing outside of our control.  Shortly Zachary took his last breath.  While the bipap was putting air in his lungs he had been ushered into the presence of God.  

I was blessed to hold and take care of one of my heroes.  The way he lived was way beyond his years.  He was strong. He was simply a light.  he smiled and stayed happy even when life got rough.   

We are now 13 years separated from Zachary.  It was a number that didn’t realize would make me sad but guess what it’s been a struggle.   The further we get the more people don’t know him or his smile.  The further we get the harder it is to gain items to honor him.   The further it gets the harder it gets for me to cope.  

Remembering Zachary is a way of remembering his life but also his smile.   I try to do something to honor how strong, loving and amazing he is was.   This year I would love to gain writing utensils for the teacher and scholars of my school.  

My school is a 3.4,4th grade school.  We have roughly 850 scholars and they all write, draw and color.  Learning uses all sorts of materials and so I would like each teacher to be given a goodie bag of those items.  Truth is if you ask any teacher they will say that pencils disappear, markers loose lids and well colored pencils keep breaking.  This means that we always need more.  

Items I would like to include:

-pencils 

-pens- colors, black and blue

-crayons

-colored pencils 

-markers- thin and normal

These are items that are starting to be on back to school sale so I would love help.   You can buy off Amazon, from Walmart, send a check/gift card/cash, send direct items, or bring them to me.  If you have questions please let me know. 

Thank you- please help and  share 

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1Q3GST6EB5R5N?ref_=wl_share

https://www.walmart.com/registry/tr/2d8dd412-e52f-4531-a719-fafbf859f231

Remembering Zachary

 I have started posts several times but decided each time that I didn’t want to post.  I figured today I will do a mini update- 

I finished year 7 in the public school system .  I’m thankful for all of the things that I have learned this year.   I have a teacher squad that may be small but is quite amazing. My husband and I finished leading another cycle of GriefShare snd are so blessed by the lives we have come in contact with   

 My son graduated from high school and I have been amazed at the support and love he has been shown. 

My husband is learning and gaining knowledge that leaves me amazed each and everyday 

Remembering Zachary- it’s that time of year where I have moments of sadness and pain that are unexpected. It’s definitely where I feel the waves have knocked me down and some have left me wavering. As the years go by, Zachary seems to be further away from people- either they never met him or they just have moved on with life.  It’s so important to say Zach’s name and to keep his spirit alive. One of the things that I do to help these feeling is to raise items for different purposes.  This year I am helping the school that I work with.  Zachary is as in the hospital a lot and had to do low energy activities often.  This means he drew and colored a lot.  He had a favorite color of brown which was always missing in the markers so he developed a second favorite of orange.  The child life specialist would have him orange and brown makers that she collected and reserved for him whenever he came in.    

In honoring his life we are collecting writing instruments- this means colored pencils, pencils, markers, pencils, crayons for my school.  My school is 3,4, 5th grades and we have roughly 850 scholars.   We strive to give our scholars the best chance they can have which means if they need something we try to help them get those items.  That means pencils can often be requested.  I would like to make a goodie bag for each of the teachers and paraprofessionals that teach in our building  I know that as items get put into stores these items will go down in price   That means 

How can you help:

- I have a Walmart list and an amazon wish lists. Both of these list can be purchased and sent directly to me.   

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/1Q3GST6EB5R5N?ref_=wl_share

https://www.walmart.com/registry/tr/2d8dd412-e52f-4531-a719-fafbf859f231

- gift cards to target, Walmart, or Amazon  can be sent to me.  I will be happy to shop for you.  

- checks or cash can be sent and I will shop for those items that we need.  

Please think, pray and consider to help Remember Zachary

Thank you for reading- please forgive being typed on my phone   

Saturday: time for what

 Saturday- time for rest right! That makes perfect sense till you are a person that deals with chronic illness.  I got up this morning early and went to have 2 MRIs.  Well anyone who has chronic pain can tell you that laying still without moving on a hard table for what seems like hours is awful. 

It can be uncomfortable but it can also still have you hurting hours later.  So I have spent all day trying to figure out how to get comfortable. My neck hurts, my back hurts, ugh! I have had trouble finding a way to sit or lay. So then being uncomfortable makes you think about all the mental things that come alone with chronic illness. “Am I good enough?””why?”””what can I still do?”.  It starts your mind on a spiral  

This week has been a hard medical week which means that things don’t always make sense. I have been undergoing treatment for my impingement and for the nerve issues that I have.  Yes, I get on my own nerves ! But what no one talks about and why I’m starting this blog again is all of the emotions that come along with having a chronic illness, going through treatments and everything else    

Most of the time I start telling people and they instantly start- do this… have you done this… or that is like my …. 

All of things instantly negates what I’m going through   Instantly says I’m not doing enough or plan out I’m not good enough   In some relationships both parties can compare notes and it not feel this way but on average this isn’t true.  We need to be allowed To say that our feelings and emotions are valid   

Chronic pain and chronic illness are hard   They are tough and honestly no one truly wants to go through it  we need support, we need love, we need to be reminded that we matter    

Welcome to Moody 24/7

I was encouraged by a friend to start writing again... to write and let my words and experiences remind others that they are not alone and that they can make it through. I am simply a person that has gone through and is going through things that might seem isolating and that place me on an island. Truth is every now and then even in a crowd of people- you feel alone!

We don't know what to do, what to say, or even where to turn.

A little about me--- I am a wife, mom, and a teacher. I like to doodle- not a drawer though. I love to text and write people... it is one of the ways I feel like I can connect with people. The thing about writing is everyone says it is negative. well you cant write in the tone, people can read things wrong, etc. However, what I deeply feel in my heart is when you read things that touch your heart and when you read encouraging things it helps your heart heal. You can read it multiple times. You can read it when you need it.

This blog will be my writing... Simply me talking in written form. I may vent, I may educate, I may just write in a way that is informal. You know two friends talking over coffee, well, by a person who struggles to verbally talk.

I will write about:

Medical things- When you have a life of procedures, appointments and diagnoses you can feel like you are the only one in the world. What do you say? Are you honest, will people understand what you are saying when it comes to the medical things you are going through, and better yet will they stay.

Pain- the chronic and unrelenting pain. The feelings of being alone and feeling crazy. The always having to change plans or cancel plans, the deep emotions of failed treatments and the many opinions of people that are saying things without realizing the implications.

People are often well intending but the help, words and guidance it placed in the wrong way. People may thing that suggestions are great but sometimes the suggestions hit a mental cord that they didn't mean to hit.

Education- I am a teacher and I love, love, love my job! Some days it is amazing and you can see the amazing things... other days it is a fire in a trashcan that you can only contain.

Welcome to Moody 24/7